Tag Archive | Bible

Make Someone’s Day

Today I knocked on somebody’s door and ran away as fast as I could. It was fun.

I think I get less and less mature as I age. I used to be such a good little girl. In kindergarten, I sat quietly with my hands in my lap, listening respectfully to my pedagogue, sternly shushing any fellow student imprudent enough to disturb my intense concentration.

How things change.

I didn’t completely ding-dong ditch the good people whose doorstep I disturbed today, though. I left them a book I thought their children would enjoy, along with an anonymous note. It’s hard to be anonymous when you are known for such hare-brained schemes and have distinctively illegible handwriting, but I figure that they’re popular enough to have other suspects besides myself.

I hardly ever think these things up on my own. The inspiration came from my dear friend Margot. She’s 82 and by far the youngest, most vibrant, and joyful person I know. When you are Margot, good things always seem to find their way to you. As for the bad things, they’re just so ridiculous, you can’t help but laugh at them (like the Russian vacuum salesman; that was hilarious). But that’s the way Margot looks at life. From a materialistic viewpoint, she really doesn’t have much going for her; she’s a low-income senior widow, living all alone with a medical condition that makes her hands tremor so that she can’t write very well, or hold a full glass of water without it spilling. Yet for all that, she never lets anything get her down. She looks for the good in life, and she finds it.

Every Christmas and Easter, sometimes Thanksgiving and other holidays, a teddy bear appears on Margot’s porch bearing a $100 gift card to the local grocery store and a mysterious letter. We have no idea who it’s from, but she’s always euphoric when it comes, almost more for the goofy bear than for the gift card.

It doesn’t take $100 to make somebody’s day. Popping a letter in the mail for a birthday, leaving mysterious presents, writing notes and leaving them in sneaky places where you know they’ll find them; it really doesn’t take much effort. Yet it makes people so happy. It makes people happy to know that someone is thinking about them; to know that somebody took 5 minutes out of their busy day to buy them a cookie or remember a promise.

It’s the thought that counts, not the pecuniary value. The thing is, making somebody else’s day is hardly the first thing on a body’s mind. But think about it sometimes. You have your own problems and issues to deal with, I know, but making somebody else’s day will make yours brighter as well.

The other day, I found out that a friend was struggling with her faith. She’s had difficulties in her life and she was getting a bit fed up with God. “What’s the point in being Christian if He doesn’t even care?” she wondered. So, today I sent her an anonymous encouragement note (yeah, I like being anonymous; I’m being noble and selfless by not taking credit for these things . . . or maybe I’m just a creeper). I hope she will realize that God does care for her. He cares for her through the people who care for her. If I didn’t believe that, I wouldn’t be wasting my time and effort and 29 cents on post card stamps.

Go make somebody’s day. It’s not hard. You’ll be glad you did it.

Hebrews 10:24-25 And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

Hazel of Endor and other matters

I’m closing up the toe of a size 11 sock for a size 11 friend. Why do boys have such big feet? If these socks were for me, I’d have three of them by now. People laugh at me when I show them my size 11 socks for my size 11 friend. They just look so ridiculous. Mr. Size 11 had better appreciate; though I’m pretty sure he doesn’t read this blog, so my oh-so-subtle hint is wasted.

By the way, what do people have against vinegar? I don’t get it. It’s just sour stuff. Invaluably useful, panacean sour stuff (panacean, in case you weren’t aware, is the adjective version of the noun panacea: a cure-all) that don’t taste half-bad when mixed up with lots of other stuff. It’s cheap, too. But a lot of people have a weird grudge against it. My brother Erik is among these haters. He won’t eat it if he thinks there’s vinegar in it. If he doesn’t know it’s there, he doesn’t mind, but as soon as one enlightens him, he claims that he could smell it the whole time and that he’d better not eat anymore; it’s making him sick, thank you very much. I made a marvelous vinegar pie for a potluck tonight (Lutherans love potlucks; oh, they love potlucks). Everybody raved about “Sofia’s lemon pie” and one lady didn’t believe me at all when I told her it was vinegar. Prejudice is a stubborn thing and I’m up late and should probably shut up now.

I’m sorry I’m not writing about Thanksgiving. I’m thankful! I really am! But I’m too disorganized to have sage things to say about counting our blessings and the materialistic folly of the whole Black Friday deal. Besides, I want to tell you about King Saul’s date with the Witch of Endor.

So, you know seances? Wait just a minute; séance! With an Accent Aigu. Or is it Accent Grave? I never could remember the difference. But anyhow; séances. You’ve seen them on TV. They always do them on the kind of dorky old TV shows that Sofia likes to watch. A group gathers around a small round table, usually with a dark-colored tablecloth. They’re usually middle-aged women, unless they’re the meddling kids from Scooby-Doo. One of them has a turban and shawl and waves her hands about solemnly and makes mystical groaning noises and calls to a spirit who has passed on. The table might lift up mysteriously, a face might appear.

Then Sofia says, “Pssh. It’s so silly what some people can believe in. I don’t believe in ghosts, of course. I’m a Christian, aren’t I? I believe that deceased persons pass on; they don’t go hanging around and bothering people.”

Then I learned about the Witch of Endor.

The Witch of Endor

Once upon a time, King Saul was having issues. Poor King Saul was given to having issues. From head-achey evil spirits to maintaining his tottering popularity to hunting down his pesky son-in-law, David, he really had enough on his plate to be dealing with. Then, what do you know, but the rascally Philistines started camping out nearby. Well, Saul was only human, and he needed help. He decided to go ask the advice of his wisest adviser: the prophet Samuel.

Great idea. Except that he died last week.

Rats.

“Well,” said King Saul, “I guess it’s time for Plan B. I need to go see a witch. It’s séance time. Yeah, I know I banished all the witches and wizards just a couple of verses back, but come on; there’s gotta be one left lying around. Please?”

His attendant replied, “Oh yeah, there’s one still camping out in Endor. Bonkers if I ever saw one.”

“Whatever. Let’s go.” replied his liege.

So, King Saul decked himself out in peasant clothes and went to Endor by night to consult with the witch.

“Hey there, Enchantress! I want to talk to Samuel; you know him? Real tall guy, prophet, long beard, died last week? You couldn’t ring him up for me, could you?”

Witch (let’s call her Hazel): “Uhh, you know that’s against the law, don’t you? King Saul banished all workers of witchcraft and wizardry just a few verses ago. What, you trying to get me killed? No way, Hosea. Hit the road, Jack.”

“Aww, stop fussing. You won’t get in trouble, I swear. I just want to talk to Samuel for a minute.”

Ghost Samuel: “You rang?”

Hazel: “Woah woah woah, buddy. Okay now; this is just getting weird. You meanie! You’re Saul himself, aren’t you? Well I never! You dirty sea-pigeon! Trying to get me killed, eh? Well! Congratulations! Ya tricked me! I hope y’all feel really swell about yourself. Take this poor ol’ lady to the gallows, will you? %$!?%&*^%!!!!”

Saul: “Quit fussing! I swear, I won’t punish you. Tell me what you see!”

Hazel: “Umm, Samuel, obviously! Old guy, long robe? Sound familiar, you old creep?”

Ghost Samuel: “Yo Saul; what’d you wake me up for? I was having a nice nap. Can you guys just quit arguing and make it snappy?”

Saul: “Oh hi Sam! Thank goodness! I’ve been trying to reach you for hours! I want to ask your advice on the current situation: the Philistines are pounding us to smithereens, God’s pretty much ignoring me, and IDON’KNOWWATTADO!!!!”

Ghost Samuel: “Psh. Well saw-ree Mister. Maybe if you had followed God’s plan, He wouldn’t be mad at you. Oh yeah, did I mention that you’re actually fired? There’s that promising young son-in-law of yours come to take your place as king. God has high hopes in David. Really clever fellow. Young, too. Great fighter. Nice young chap. Too bad you guys don’t get along so well these days. By the way, as you and your family are going to be killed by the Philistines, I’ll be seeing you tomorrow. Bye.”

Saul: ” -_- Not helpful. At all.”

Hazel: “Um, Saul? Want some lunch?”

THE END.

(Based on I Samuel 28:3-24)

Since I’m up at 2 in the morning with no one to talk to anyway, let’s talk about Goliath!

Here’s a question for you Bible freaks:

How did Goliath die?

A. David chopped his head off.

B. He was hit in the head by a stone from David’s slingshot.

C. Skin cancer.

D. He was stoned by an angry crowd of Pharisees.

B. is obviously the right answer. Every self-respecting, Sunday School-attending, Jesus freak knows that. The brave little shepherd boy, David, went out against the seasoned fighter, Goliath. David goes without armor or weapon, even though King Saul offers the best there is. David knows that he isn’t fit to use them. He takes the weapon he knows best: the slingshot, and five smooth stones from a little brook. For his armor, he has only faith in the LORD; and that’s all he needs! One stone, and Goliath is a goner. History. Pushing daisies.

Well, turkeys; guess what! That’s not what happened!!!! Bom bom BOM!!!

The correct answer is A. David chops his head off.

Please tell me; did you know this? Am I the only goody little Christian girl who thought she knew everything about the Bible, only to find out something like this? Did you know that Goliath wasn’t actually killed by David’s slingshot? Seriously; please tell me you didn’t know that. It’ll make me feel better if I know I’m not the only one.

So this is how it really happened: David takes his slingshot and Ka-POW!!s it into Goliath’s face. Goliath goes hurtling to the ground, senseless. Then, as 1 Samuel 17:51 tells us, “Therefore David ran and stood over the Philistine, took his sword and drew it out of its sheath and killed him, and cut off his head with it.

Maybe you did know that. Maybe I’m the only one who just assumed that the slingshot killed Goliath, end of story. For a long time, I didn’t bother reading the Bible on my own very much. When a friend scolded me for it, I thought to myself, “Psh. I read it every week at church, don’t I? Don’t I go to youth group every Saturday night and learn about it? Didn’t I go to AWANA and get it drilled into my brain when I was a kid? I know the Bible. I really don’t have to.”

I assumed I knew just about everything there was to know. I was pretty sure I had it covered. You know what? For a large part, I did. But there’s always more. I assumed I knew it all, only because I knew more than most other people. But knowing the Bible and knowing the Bible a little better than average are very different things. Don’t assume you have it covered, just because you’re a homeschooled Christian kid. Don’t assume you know it all just because you go to church three times a week. Don’t assume there are no surprises left, just because you’re the Christian kid everyone goes to for all the answers.

Go read your Bible sometime. Re-read the old stories. Read the bits you usually skip over. You might be surprised.