The Mundane Details of my Sordid Life

I like to go out.

I like going out a lot.

I feel sorry for myself if I don’t go out.

This is the second day I’ve spent at home.

I’m feeling sorry for myself.

I spent a considerable amount of time today in bed, reading Donald Duck and Uncle Scrooge comic books. I have decided to write a fan letter to Don Rosa: arguably the best Disney Duck comic artist since the great Carl Barks—but you have no idea what I’m talking about. You never read Donald Duck and Uncle Scrooge growing up. You didn’t learn to read from Donald Duck and Uncle Scrooge. Uncle Scrooge has never made you cry.

Maybe I’ll write about that sometime. But not now. I’m busy telling you the mundane details of my sordid life.

I haven’t been completely useless today;

I swept up the chicken coop and laid down fresh straw.

It’s actually dead grass; “fresh straw” sounds better.

I made myself bacon at five o’clock in the afternoon. I ate it, then I left the fan on and the doors open, so that my family wouldn’t smell it and want to eat the rest.

I raided the refrigerator for stale foodstuffs for the chickens. Their diet today consisted of noodles, carrots, bacon grease, custard, and pork. Chickens like meat. It’s kind of creepy.

I bought a box of raspberry-blackberry Jello mix and made it with raw, mashed blackberries. Words could not describe my content; then I saw something suspended in the Jello that might have been a bug. Words could not describe my horror. Well, maybe they could. I ate it anyway. Not the bug; the Jello. I ate around the bug. I think.

I puttered around my basement, looking for things to give to Goodwill. My basement has too much stuff in it.

Then, I looked in the garbage and found a pair of my father’s ripped black slacks. Only, I didn’t see just a pair of ripped black slacks. I saw Temptation staring me in the face, sitting atop greasy Ziploc bags and Saran wrap.

I need to get rid of things. I don’t wanna be featured on Hoarders!

But look at all that fabric going to waste!

But it’ll probably never even get used. I have so much fabric already.

You could make a little backpack out of it; black is perfect for embellishing!

But I already have a backpack.

But it would be really cute!

Unfortunately, evil won the day; sitting in my room is a good start to the cutest backpack you never saw. I embroidered a chicken on it. Leave me alone.

The End.


2 thoughts on “The Mundane Details of my Sordid Life

  1. Pingback: A few things | oldefashionedgirl

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