My Chinese grandfather is pretty awesome.
Because he sent my mother a package wrapped in a cloth napkin and sewed it shut.
I would show you a picture so that you too could appreciate the epic-ness of this package, but that would entail showing you a picture of my address, and unfortunately, I can’t do that. You might be a vampire who wants to sneak into my room in the middle of the night and drain my ventricles because you never go to sleep and have time to kill at 3 in the morning. Well you know what? I’m still awake at 3 in the morning! So there!
I’m not sure how that would make anything better.
Anyway, back to the package:
We had to use a seam-ripper to get it open. (For those of you who don’t sew, a seam-ripper is like an Exacto-knife that’s shaped like a “U”. People use them to rip open seams.)
My grandfather is a much better sewer (Tailor? Seamstress?) than I am. Always has been and always will be. He doesn’t make silly things like dresses. He makes strictly practical things, like winter coats, and packages containing pajamas for my mother. He doesn’t need to use patterns. He draws his own. He doesn’t need a sewing machine; he does it all strictly by hand, because Gong gong is the ultimate traditionalist. He refuses to learn how to work a computer. He uses a typewriter. He won’t touch coffee because it’s not a traditional Chinese thing to do.
You see who I’ve got to live up to? No wonder I turned out this way!!
I know you probably don’t care about a package being sewn shut. I’ll leave you alone now.
In any case, I need to get back to my sock-knitting and Chinese soap opera. Yesterday, my mother indoctrinated me into the vice of Chinese soap opera-watching. The show is called 一不小心爱上你, which, translated, is Not Be Careful, Fall in Love With You. Currently in Not Be Careful, Fall in Love With You, Ching-ching, our heroine, has reunited with her long-lost brother who actually isn’t her brother. They had a dinner together, which was made disastrous by the fact that Ching-ching, for reasons unbeknownst to me because my Chinese is rusty and there are no English subtitles, invited her other brother who is not long-lost to come, disguised as her boyfriend because in reality, she has no boyfriend but she wanted her long-lost brother to think she had one and her not long-lost brother got drunk and made a ruckus at the restaurant because, though he really is a good guy, he is peasant-ish and acts like an uncouth boor. Now, her long-lost brother who really isn’t her real brother is beginning to fall in love with her, complicated by the fact that he already has a girlfriend, while his filthy rich college buddy, who is played by a half-Korean actor who actually doesn’t speak Chinese, is also in love with Ching-ching who works as his cleaning lady. Unfortunately for Ching-ching, long-lost brother’s sister, who is also the sort-of sister of Ching-ching’s not-long-lost brother, is jealous of Ching-ching because she likes half-Korean actor guy.
Don’t try to wrap your mind around it.