I promised you a Bible story. What did I give you instead?
My Trip to Vampireville!
So here’s the Bible story:
“The Left-Handed Warrior” or “The Fat King”
Once upon a time, the Israelites were, as usual, having some issues. They had been misbehaving so badly, that God got annoyed at them. “Fine, be that way, thou brats. I shalt proceed to punish thou.”
So He did. Soon after His decision, King Eglon of the Moabites came into the neighborhood and said to the Israelites, “Hey there, pipsqueaks! C’mere! We’re gonna have some fun!” It soon became apparent to the Israelites that they didn’t care for the Moabites’ idea of fun.
“God!!” they whined, “Make them leave us alone! They’re meanies.”
God decided that they had learned their lesson for the day, so He relented and appointed Ehud, son of Gera, to get rid of Eglon. Now, Ehud was left-handed. I don’t know what this has to do with the story, but it is true. The Israelites decided to give King Eglon a nice big present, so Ehud said, “Give it here; I’ll take it to him!”
The big day arrived; Ehud, son of Gera arrived at the Moabite palace, accompanied by some helpers to carry the gift. The Israelite party was ushered into King Eglon’s throne room, where he’d been lounging.
“Your Royal Highness, King Eglon! Your humble servant, Ehud, son of Gera, entreats you to accept the poor gift of the Israelites, thy servants.”
“Oh goody!” cried King Eglon. “More presents! I hope you’ve brought some more of my favorite date candy!”
The gift-bearers retreated at the gracious acknowledgement of the king. Ehud remained.
Beads of sweat trickled down Ehud’s face as he girded his strength for his task. Hidden under his garments, bouncing against his right thigh he could feel the cold metal dagger he had prepared earlier. He took a deep breath and gulped down a mouthful of foam.
“Hey, could I have a private word?” he inquired.
“Oh, sure! Anything!” said the foolish King Eglon distractedly as he waddled over to the tribute and sniffed hopefully. “Guards! Leave us!”
Now, before we go on with this story, you must realize that King Eglon was a fat man. A very fat man. Obese. Ridiculous. He looked around at the nervous young man.
“Did you *munch munch* have something you wanted to *gulp* say to me, my boy?” he said, spraying crumbs everywhere.
The answer came in almost a whisper. “Yeah . . . this!”
With one fluid, sweeping motion, Ehud snatched up the dagger with his left hand, and plunged it into the belly of the man standing before him. King Eglon buckled, a look of shock etched on his foolish, flabby face. Blood; dark, warm, red, oozing blood, splurted from the point of rupture. It spread over royal linens, a dark stain spreading rapidly down the kingly tunic, dripping gently onto the stone floor in a thick, syrupy puddle. One shaking hand weakly tried to remove the dagger, but it was too late. King Eglon’s fatness was so great, that the dagger had completely disappeared. A thick layer of blubber had already sealed over the place where the dagger had punctured the balloon of a man that was King Eglon. Even as he struggled vainly with the knife, his intestines came spilling out.
He was dead. Ehud breathed again.
He closed the curtains and doors, and, like a shadow, vanished into the desert.
Meanwhile, in the servants’ quarters, gossip turned to the recent envoy of Israelites. What had they brought? What did that handsome young left-handed fellow want with King Eglon? Are they done talking yet?
“Look!” cried a servant girl. “Ehud is leaving! Let’s go and see if King Eglon will tell us anything!”
In a body, the servants approached the king’s room.
“Aww,” they sighed disappointedly, “King Eglon’s closed the door. He must be in the bathroom. We’d better wait.”
Thus, King Eglon’s death was not discovered until hours after Ehud made good his escape.
Note: This is a dramatized rendition of a true story. See Judges 3:12-26 for more details.